Here's hoping criminals get jobs back
By Glynn Moore| Columnist
Monday, December 14, 2009

News reports keep telling me the recession is over, or at least ending, but if that's the case, why won't my wife let me write a check once in a while?

"Don't write any checks until payday," she cautions.

"But today is payday," I respond.

"No, I mean next payday."

Two weeks later, the same thing happens. It's like telling your kids, who want to go bungee-jumping, "Tomorrow." The next day, when your precious offspring are ready to leap off the nearest high spot, you say, "No, I said tomorrow, remember? This is today. You can go tomorrow."

I don't blame my wife, though; she's just the keeper of the bills. Thanks to her, I am saving money right and left because I'm not writing any checks.

That's the theory, but if I were really saving money, I would just pull it from my pocket to pay for things instead of trying to write an occasional check.

Oh, well, I didn't want to buy her anything for Christmas anyway.

DRESSED TO IMPRESS: I do hope the recession is breathing its last breath because when the unemployment rate finally gets back to normal all the upstart burglars, thieves and robbers we've seen in the headlines lately can go back to their day jobs.

It won't be the least bit scary to work alongside them. I can see the job interviews now:

Interviewer: "It says here you haven't worked in a year."

Applicant: "It's been tough."

Interviewer: "Well, that is a nice suit you're wearing."

Applicant: "Oh, it's just something I happened to come across."

Interviewer: "In fact, it looks very much like a suit that was stolen from my closet during a break-in last week."

Applicant: "It's a crazy old world, isn't it? So, I understand you have an opening for a security guard?"

I WITNESS NEWS: Have you noticed the hospital commercial telling you how many times you might walk around Earth in your lifetime and showing a spinning globe?

That globe spins from east to west, though, which means that as you're hiking along the 25,000-mile girth of Planet Earth you're watching the sun rise in the west and not the east.

The same thing happened 25 years ago, when a wrong-way globe heralded the NBC Nightly News each day. The direction was finally corrected, however, and our big wheel keeps on turning.

Our world's rotation contributes to weather, and that is never more noticeable than in our area. Ice, heat wave, rain, drought -- we get them all, usually in one week.

The storm we had a week ago brought the heaviest rain I had seen since I was in the Navy and stationed in Maryland.

The nearest body of water was the Susquehanna River, and I was navigating it one night from the helm of my roommate Mac's new Chevrolet Vega.

I was on a first date with Betty, and we were halfway across a big bridge when the skies opened up. We had to park at the top of the bridge for an hour, unable to drive. That was a nice rain.

After last week's downpour had abated, I drove to work slowly because of the flooded road and morons refusing to use their headlights in the rain. An even bigger moron in a BMW was taking traffic as a challenge, weaving in and out of lanes and, when he had to slow down, flashing his lights at drivers who respected Mother Nature's guidelines.

His little world won't be spinning long, will it, Mr. Darwin?

Reach Glynn Moore at (706) 823-3419 or glynn.moore@augustachronicle.com.

From the Monday, December 14, 2009 edition of the Augusta Chronicle
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